my eyes are constantly deceiving me these days. there's some neural loops i traverse, when i see clients-turned-collaborators, that, at first, second, and 457th glance, fire "ally" synapses from cell-to-cell, filling my frame with oxytocin, golden thoughts, gratitude and hope for the world. i see supporters for a life worth living, big-picture thinkers, brilliance in the form of kindness and wisdom.
it's all true. i know it to be, and yet, i forget, though i know it like i know my name, that "ally" is an evolving distinction. an emergent phenomena. a finicky moment of possibility, a starburst of human spirit in the overwhelming sea of human animal that we each are.
and so...i find myself blindsided sometimes. at unkindness. at well-meaning oversights that forward individual agendas. at theft. at lies. at alla that blah blah brain pattern stuff that has nothing to do with who any of us really are. and yet, as animals, it's who each of us are, physically: given by instincts, and survival.
in those moments, where my system is shocked and stung and surprised, D grabs my hand. and he says what i hope he'll say. it's been 15 years of figuring out what that might be - goodness knows i'm not usually sure of it. but he's practiced, that one. and tonight was no different.
to love a libra, as i do, is to be supported by a balanced perspective. to be held by someone who has no problem supporting perceived foes, who's not only willing to be compassionate to the other side, but who is, truly, completely compassionate to their wants, their needs and their goodness. and the thing is, and this is just straight up true - he's right. most always, in his infinite well of confidence that folks are doing their best, uncertain and basically deeply innocent, he is absolutely right.
i don't share my in-the-moment concerns with folks who are irresponsible with their listening. i am lucky to have a dream advisory board for my life, who've been with us for 15 years. d is one of them, and he turns to them as well. i recommend this. a community of people who can handle hearing upsets without believing the words. who will hold the storm and recognize it as passing weather. who will never hold my upsets accountable as my truth. they don't recycle my concerns as their own. they don't carry them around as burdens or baggage they now have to carry. they let it go before i even begin.
which makes being upset really really boring. there's no payoff when it looks like you're just indulging.
and i want some of you to know ~ i've gotten your messages. i've seen your concerns and love while i've been quiet. i'm talking about those of you, maybe you're leos, loyal ones, that want me to know my work on women + money + flow is being taught, verbatim, under a title from my 9 year-old Sacred Current course. to know that former clients are taking full credit for co-created retreats. i understand that you kindly want me to understand things about others you think i should know. and the thing is ~ I know. thank you.
there's also a lot, so so much that i don't know, and i really don't need to know. it's none of my business how someone manages their karma. it IS my business that you know i am not a structure for you to mess with your own. i don't believe it's good for you to tell me these things. and, i don't believe they are bad. if you must know the truth, when i "fired" them, as clients and collaborators, i told them that i am totally committed to their purpose in this life. that is true. and i also washed my hands of them, with very clear boundaries. so my committment to their purpose looks like space for them to expand, without me in their life. it's working, i see them growing, and i have no judgements about their integrity. if anything, it saddens me to see their people robbed of a longer, fuller lineage of my mentors and teachers. and, i have faith that seekers find the teachers they need. other poeple's clients are not my people to care for. boundaries. boundaries are rad.
so please don't attempt to gossip with me. i am blessed with a full plate. and i am looking aside.
there is a massive difference in life quality between being given by a tribe, and being self-led, while choosing community. i enjoy the latter.
the thing about the fall is, the smells are even better than the sights. it's smokey, leafy, cinnamon-cider. the temperature is complex, numbing and nurturing all at once, calling for textures like nubby wool, raw silk, and sultry stews. it sounds of crunchy leaves, the windy names of trees, voices carried across shifting meadows. this is a time for gathered blessings, pulling out the unneeded roots and tending to the deep dark greens. it is my favorite time, a chance to celebrate my house of october birthdays.
i honor the need for women to create allies. it's an ancient, powerful tradition that has kept us safe. and, i invite us all to uplevel the kind of ally we are, by identifying the commitments at play. we can support each other's fears, concerns and personalities by discussing individuals, circumstances and situations. or, we can support who we are in a larger context of contribution, and let the rest, Fall.